I Love You Like My Toaster

By United States Marine Corps photographer [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

I love you like my toaster

that toasts my bread

and makes me toast.

I'd put butter on you like bread

like I said

like my toasted bread and berries.

I want you to see my cock and balls,

my dick and balls,

my favorite bait and tackle.

I want to be inside your liver

and help carry away waste like a filter

to help you digest what you've eaten.

I want to be your favorite soap opera on TV,

I want to be your remote control.

I want to go into your hair follicles

and make your hair thick and wavy.

Don't you like it like that?

I want to rub it and have you rub it

all over the cantaloupe.

I can see it now.

Facebook Argument

Shut up, bitch!

Listen, don't use that language.

What? English?

Don't use the B-word.

You're the one who called me a dick. Don't turn this around on me, bitch!

Facebook arguments gone wrong.

It is a heavy burden
but not a heavy turban
unless you're related
to Keith Urban
then you need
a plastic surgeon

or cosmetic surgery
cosmetic application.
Pimples on your facial
feature films in syndication.

Badly needing tumors,
rumors circulate the airways
passage from halitosis
like Moses on the stairways.

Unclog your silly sink.
Unclog your silly sink.
Mimic Minnie Mouse,
now try that on in pink.

Try that on in pink.

Facebook Message to my Girlfriend

http://www.flickr.com/photos/evilmutent/

I had been considering
 this topic for awhile,

 been jotting down notes,

 then today wrote it down on the spot.

In the middle of doing all that,
I found a very hilarious video

that I included at the end of the article,

plus I posted the video

 to my wall here on fb.

Anyway,

hopefully I have written enough here,
 in this here message,
 to the point
that you will not see
 my previous message
 which I wrote

 when I had temporarily blacked out

 for about 20 minutes

and woke up
not knowing how

I ended up naked and doing a head stand in front of the......

wait a minute,

I am going to have write a very long message
to cover up that last message...

it will have to be super-duper long and detailed and not too padded
because it is never really right to pad writing whether you are writing a term paper in college,

a web article,

or just messaging a friend;

it is totally wrong to do that,
to do that,
to do-do-do-do that!
Yeah! Yes! Alright! Get down! Wooooooooooooooo! Okay, here's the article.

The Facebook Status Update that I Never Posted

By Usien (Own work) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0-2.5-2.0-1.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Sorry to tell you guys,
I think I'm getting sick.

I think I'm going

to throw up.

Oh

no.

Buwhah-errrrrrr!

Burr...burr...

Buyak!

Blub-blub-blub...

Oh...

Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkk!

Kif...

Oh

my

God....

It's

all

over

the screen

and keyboard.

Excuse me.

[Goes to get
the rag on a stick
he washes himself with.]

Okay, that's better.
I got most of it up.

Anyway,

wanted to say Hi.

I

think

it's

going

to

be

a

rough

day.

re schedule

I am writing you guys 
this brief message
                           and update

to let you know I'm fine
and everything is going according to plan. 

My kidneys are fully functioning again,

                         and I got rid of the squirrels in the shed. 

I would like to let you know
 how much I appreciate your concerns,

your letters, 
your words of encouragement, 
the pies, 

and also 

                       the pornography. 

I am a better man and have all of you to thank. 

Unfortunately, the flight does not leave until 2am
and I'm going to be down there at the airport,

             sleepy eyed

 and drowsy; 

I will probably spend most of tomorrow catching up sleep,
so the show will not be until day 

                                AFTER tomorrow,

                      oct 25, at 6pm.

 So, I appreciate your patience and loyalty
 and hope you all don't mind me telling you what I had for breakfast right now. 

I put a little olive oil in the pan,

put in the corn tortilla,

let it soften up a bit, 

then put two slices of cheese and salsa on it,

 then folded it. 

 

Basically, a chesadilla. 

 

now, I made about 6 of them, 

 

which probably took me 

 

                 15 

                  

                       or 20 minutes. 

 

I got the plate and a paper towel, 

and a nice glass of cold water which had been chilling in the fridge, 

and I sat on the couch and turned on the TV. 

 

I started watching Bobby Flay

 

               on the Food Network 

 

and discovered that I'd already seen that particular episode

 

                                 in which he barbeques pork butt.

 

 So, I turn it to the history channel and they are playing the history of marijuana:

 

                                         A Chronic History. 

 

And I'm wondering when is the history channel going to start showing educational programs again. 

 

So I go out on the patio after I'm done eating, and light me up a stoge. 

 

I'm sitting there and I realize my ear itches, so I scratch it. 

 

So, anyway, guys, the show is at 6pm on Thursday. 

Remember, I am going to be resting from jet lag tomorrow, 

so the show will be re-scheduled for the 25th at 6pm. 

 

Okay, so basically got that straight. 

 

I guess I better think about lunch...let's see, 

 

    What should I have?  

 

Still cheese. Hmmm. 

 

No, that always messes up my stomach when I eat too much of it. 

 

Oh, sorry, guys, I said this would be a brief message, didn't I? Oh, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

Oh, I forgot to mention this:

 

I cooked the corn tortilla on both sides

 before I put the cheese and salsa on it. 

It wasn't bad, slightly spicy, soft, 

 

        a little crunchy, good cheese. 

 

                        Got that good protein and calcium. 

 

Okay, so Oct 25th at 6pm. See you guys there, and have a safe and wonderful trip.

Candid

It's weird to me
to think of all the weird things going on.
It would be cool if my name was Francis
and your name was John
but it's not.
So, let's forget about that.
I'll delete my Facebook account
and you can finally feed your cat.

It was long ago
that we finally got together.
Three months of joy
during which time you bought me that sweater.
And I bought you lunch
at the Frosty Freeze.
Then there was that time
you got dirt on you knees.

But love hurts
and now we're in pain
because it hurts so bad
like Lady Gaga in the rain.

I washed my hands and feet
and back of my ears of you
because I got so many fears, jeers, false cheers, hear-hear
and tears from you.

I can't take it
I need a ten minute rest break
like they give me at Taco Bell
where the burritos I make.
Because your love
cut me like something sharp,
like a knife or some part of a Coke can that's sharp or a piece of metal even
or broken glass...

Harpo played the harp.

Speaking of broken glass,
that's what our relationship is like.
Also, it drives into my heart
like a rusty spike
that is covered with bacteria,
infectious material...
Plus our love
is like dry cereal.

I can't take anymore,
you won't do what I want.
I guess it's up to you
to be candid like Allen Funt.